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A Big Hand for the Little Lady (1966)
IMDB rating: 7.30
Plot: A couple with a young son arrive in the town of Laredo, just as the five richest men of the area, are settling down to play the biggest game of poker of the year. When the wife disappears, the husband, after watching a few hands, joins in the game, only to lose most of the families savings. As the wife returns, he finds that he has dealt himself a winning hand, but does not have the cash to continue. In the following argument, he collapses, and his wife has no choice, but to continue with his hand, in order to win back their money, the only problem being, she can’t play poker.
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Directors: Cook Fielder
Actors: Fonda Henry,Robards Jason,Ford Paul,Bickford Charles,Meredith Burgess,McCarthy Kevin,Middleton Robert,Qualen John,Michenaud Jean-Michel,Berwick James,Collins Allen,Boles Jim,Conklin Chester,Comedy,Drama,Western,
What do you think of my writing?
It wasn’t a loud sound, but it was consistant. Donnie quickly opened his eyes. The knocking on his window had pierced the veil of sleep, and brought him to consciousness. He slowly reached for his lamp, and hit the switch. The room lit up for a moment, but with a flicker the bulb burnt out, and left the room in darkness.
"Momma?", the boy called out quietly. No answer. His mother and father would be fast asleep by now, and he had no reason to wake them. Big boys aren’t scared of the dark, he recalled his father’s words to him the last time he had thought there had been something outside. Donnie was eight years old, and usually he felt big. Tonight he did not. The knocking started again. It was more of a faint tap, like that of a single finger lightly pressing against the glass.
Donnie quickly pulled his blanket over his head, and gripped Mr. Ted, his brown stuffed bear. The tapping slowed, and then eventually stopped. The boy waited five minutes before working up the courage to pull the covers slightly down past his eyes. His sight had adjusted to the dark, and he saw nothing out of the ordinary. Slowly, he got out of bed, pulling the blanket down, and sliding his feet to the floor. Feeling a little more courageous, he walked hesistantly to the window, Mr. Ted in hand. The floor creaked softly, as if protesting his early rising. Outside, trees were silohuetted by the pale moonlight, lined like soldiers on the street.
Just as Donnie was feeling convinced that he had only dreamt the sound, a bright beam of light shone through his window. The boy covered his eyes with the stuffed bear. He tried to yell out but fear gripped his throat. There was a voice, that he didn’t so much hear as he felt. The light dimmed a bit, and Donnie let his arms fall to his sides. He could make out a figure in the distance. It was slowly walking towards him, in the light.
"Do you like teddy bears, Donnie?", the voice was quiety and wispy, but soothing. Donnie nodded his head, clutching Mr. Ted tightly. The figure was much closer now, and Donnie could see that it was a man in a black business suit. His face was long, and his eyes were sunken and dark. He was cradling something in his arms. Teddy bears. At least twenty of them, all different colors and shapes.
"Do you like my bears, Donnie? Do they look soft?", said the man, licking his lips. Again, the boy nodded, dumbstruck by this amazing display.
"I have friends here, Donnie. Friends who have bears that they don’t use any more. Hundreds of soft bears to play with. To hold, and to love. They want to give them to you. Would you like that Donnie?", the man’s voice was quivering, and a strand of saliva fells from the corner of his mouth.
Donnie nodded his head. "Yes, I would like to have the bears.", he said softly. The man was right outside the window now. He lifted up the pane and stuck out his hand. His flesh was grey and his fingernails were long and sharp.
"Then take my hand, young lad. Let’s explore the wonders of the universe, and live the dreamer’s dream.", he said. Donnie looked back at his door, his face reluctant. "Don’t worry about them, Donnie. They have a life of their own. My teddy’s need someone to love them. They get cold at night. Please love them Donnie, please love them."
The boy took the man’s hand weakly, Mr. Ted dropped to the floor with a soft thud as Donnie was pulled through the window.
"Hallelujah, glory be, take your seats ladies and gentlemen, we have a winner.", the man said over a muffled scream.
this is a rough draft, it just came to me so I wrote it down. I wanted to get opinions.
That was a pretty riveting second half. When I finished reading it, I went back to re-absorb the second half because it was so awesome.
I have to say, your dialogue is simply wonderful. In the beginning half though, your 3rd person descriptions of the action are a bit bland.
Moogleluvr | Jan 14, 2010
It’s really good, I loved it, but some sentences are very wordy.
For example:
"pierced the veil of sleep, and brought him to consciousness"
had brought him to consciousness is enough, because otherwise you’ll sound like you’re trying too hard.
""Momma?", the boy called out quietly"
When you’ve got a ? you don’t have to add a comma.
"Tonight he did not."
Are you kidding me? "did not" is used only when one of the words is in italics or the author is trying way too hard to sound "Shakespearean". If one of the words is in italics, I apologize. If not, I beg you change it to didn’t.
"Feeling a little more courageous, he walked hesistantly to the window"
Question: Why is he walking hesitantly? You said he was more courageous now?
Question 2: Do you believe in spell checker?
I think you can correct the rest as you wish, but these are just a few tips to get you going. Have fun and happy writing!
My 'smooth criminal' | Jan 14, 2010
